Welcome. I am no professional writer, but I do have words. A sweet friend of mine asked if I would share my thoughts on singleness. Not a problem. Here we go.
As a single 25-year-old, of course I desire marriage. I was almost married at 21, and I’ve definitely learned a lot during the past four years. I like to call them the hard and holy years.
I had the privilege of talking with some of my closest girlfriends last week. These girls are solid. They struggle. They are raw and real. They teach me that it’s ok to be vulnerable. It’s ok to struggle. And it’s actually healthy to wrestle with God. So, why are we in our mid-twenties to mid-thirties and not married?
Here’s why: we refuse to settle. We refuse to believe the lie that we should do what makes us happy – because we will be the minority that lives out hard and holy. Happiness is cheap. Temporary pleasure is cheap. But we still settle for that sometimes, don’t we? A B O U T that hard and holy . . . it is just that:hard. Ann Voskamp says it best:
“The world has enough women who are trying to do it all – spending everything they’ve got to be found in the crowd. It needs more who are doing the only thing that is necessary – spending time at His feet, being found and known by Him.”
Men and women long for companionship, and we sometimes chase the wrong things. Been there, done that. Still do that. One of my dearest friends put it this way: sometimes we have to create our own black and white reality. If someone isn’t committing to a relationship (white), then there is no relationship there (black), even though reality shows that there is a flirtatious relationship (grey). We have to convince ourselves it is black when really it’s grey, in order to protect our hearts.
As women, we cannot trust a man to fulfill the longing we have for a relationship. No man has the ability to complete us besides the Man Himself. I don’t care what Jerry Maguire says. We fail ourselves and we fail men when we put that kind of pressure on them. We need to prioritize our eternal relationship with our Creator above all things. Way above all things. We won’t be much help to anyone else until we relate properly to God.
Marriage is a beautiful reality, but it is secondary to our spiritual identity as Children of God. Our desire for a life mate shouldn’t be one of desperation. Marriage exists to magnify the glory of God and expand His Kingdom, not to fulfill our selfish desires.
I’ve seen more and more [Christian] guys commit to video games and beer and sports before they commit to a lady who is passionately pursuing Jesus. Bro, don’t shake your head at me – step up. Grow a pair. “Be doers of the Word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.” If there is a lady in your life who lives with eternity in mind, then you get her and you pursue her. There is no need to have life figured out. That’s what women are for anyway – to help. To encourage. To love.
Ladies, we are not excluded. We have a lot of work to do. Sometimes we are the non-committal ones. If we don’t spend our time staring at God, we will stare at lesser things – namely, a relationship. We idolize marriage, let’s be honest. Get out there and make yourself available, but for the love, do not throw yourself at a man. T R U S T M E. A man you have to chase is no man at all. Real men see a good woman and pursue her...
If you are struggling in a season of singleness, what do you do?
1) You find community. You spend a lot of time with that community – community that will love you in truth. Community that will look to your best needs and point you in that direction. Community doesn’t always make you feel good, but hard and holy doesn’t feel good. It goes beyond that – it is fulfilling.
2) You serve. Nothing brings more joy than to give love away. Find little ways each day to reach out to people and love them. I have found that it really does change the focus of my heart. Instead of missing a relationship, it helps me see the needs of others.
3) You give grace. These three things all go hand-in-hand, but there is nothing more satisfying than showing grace. People are messy. We are A L L messy. Find someone who is struggling and come alongside them. Encourage them.
One thing that awoke me from my sleep during my crazy wild years was eternity. What am I doing to prepare for that? What are you doing to prepare for that?
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